What would you do if you were a stay at home mom to twin girls and one day your husband up and decided to quit his job and refused to look for work? This is a close friend of mine's predicament... we're going to call her The Saint because there's no way in hell I'd still be married to this man whom we will refer to as MU from here on out. (Mr. Unaccountability)
A little background:
The Saint and MU have been married for about 4 years. They have 3 year old twin girls. The Saint has been a SAHM for at least the last year, maybe longer. MU quit his job as an installer for a satellite company because he did not want to get up and make it to a weekly employee meeting that was held at 8:00 a.m. His bosses warned him that there would be repercussions for missing it/being late. He didn't listen. So, for a week they did not give him any installs. No installs = no paycheck. Instead of straightening up and showing up on time once a week, he quit and launched a plan to start his own business doing satellite installs, etc.
At the time that he quit his first job, the family was already living hand to mouth. But, The Saint stood behind him because it was something that he'd always said he wanted to do. MU went into the venture pretty gung ho, but I don't think he ever considered start up costs, etc. and they really didn't have the money to go into a venture like this without some other source of income.
I don't know how long it's been since MU quit, but he did about a month's worth of work with his new business and basically just stopped. For the last month, he has gone deer hunting everyday with the exception of maybe two days that he finished up a job that he'd already been paid for. Sidenote: He gets up some days before 8:00 a.m. to go hunting.... and to add injury to insult, he hasn't even killed anything.
The Saint recently got approved for food stamps and Medicaid for her girls because there was no income to give them the basic necessities such as food, clothing and shelter and at this time, it doesn't look like there's any end in sight. So, she has done what is within her control to take care of the immediate need. She is now about to look for work because they are going to get behind on rent and utilities. Which means that their heat will be cut off in the dead of winter or worse, they'll be evicted. She said that the garbage is not being picked up anymore because they are so far behind on the sewer/water bill already.
She has pretty much come to the conclusion that she cannot depend on MU for anything and is putting on her big girl panties now to deal with her life. She does not know where to go from here though. I think she's pretty much decided that once she finds work, if he's still shirking his responsibilities that she wants him out of the house. But, how do you throw a grown man out of his house? So, the question of today is what would you do if faced with this situation?
Disclaimer: This story is published with permission. I have relayed the "Cliff Notes" version to you guys because there is no way I could fit in every detail and for the record, I have no idea what MU's side of the story is, but quite frankly, I don't care. I don't know what advice to offer up because I've never in my life encountered someone so irresponsible. I know many of you love to delve out the advice when you can, so bring it on.
ETA: What if she loves him and really wants to make it work? Why should she have to move her girls to another home? And yes, I'm sure they've discussed it, but there is no real concern on MU's part obviously because we all know that actions speak much louder than words.
© 2008 AFRo. All Rights Reserved.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Meet MU and The Saint
Posted by AFRo at 12:47 PM
Labels: Keep it in the Family., MU and The Saint
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35 comments:
First, since I know them i can say this in all honesty, MU sucks...big time.
The saint is doing the right thing by going to look for work. It's quite obvious he isn't going to and someone has to be the adult and provide. As far as kicking him out of the house?...let him stay there with all the bills that are behind and she should leave, with the twins, and start her own life...without him.
Ok, I have to agree with BFF, leave his butt there and let him fend for himself. Get a good job, take the children, and start your own life. It may be hard at first but personally it would be even harder to stay there and watch him do nothing. You don't need a man like that. Most men would be proud to say that they provide a good life for their family but this one can't even say that he PROVIDES ANYTHING for his family.
I know that The Saint can find a job somewhere and let me assure you, there are plenty of houses and apartments out there too.
I wonder what MU's girls will think about him when they get older and look back on what he did and how he lived his life. Will they be proud to call him their father? Or will they push him out of their lives? It sounds like he's being lazy and selfish.
I have one more question. Has The Saint talked to him about this? Has he even attempted to come up with some lame excuse as to why he's HUNTING AND NOT WORKING?!?!?!?
So he can haul his sorry ass out of bed before 8:oo am to hunt but not go to a meeting for work?? WTF??? She needs to pack her and the twins up and get out of there. Now that she has food stamps and stuff and is looking for a job she can kick him to the curb!
I've been on my own with kids and it isn't easy but it sure beats dealing with a deadbeat!
Keep his butt at home taking care of the kids and house until she gets a job that she knows has some stability.
Then, too the curb.
I really have no place giving advice, as I've been told kick his ass out and didn't, but she can't let him pull her and her girls down with him.
Ahh... been there... done that. I'm missing a few details here. Like the fact that a grown man, without any underlying issues (i.e. Alcohol or Drug dependency) would knowingly let his family go destitute.
For me, my husband's issue was drug use. And I covered for him, and I covered for him and one day I got to a point where I couldn't do it any more.
By allowing to let him live this way she is "enabling" him and letting it continue. She needs to take care of herself and if she loves him, hope he gets a clue. And if she doesn't, realize that she doesn't need him to survive.
It's so easy to give advice/bash MU, but it doesn't take into account their feelings for each other. You said she loves him and wants to make it work. Then she has to go get a job and make it work. There is nothing more to say. It sucks and, from this angle, MU is an a$$hole, but it is not for us to judge. You are a good friend to The Saint.
Um yea he needs to man up and take care of his responsibilities-which are his children and his wife!
Yes sure she can go out and get a job but that is BS, obviously when she decided to become a sahm this was a decision they made together with the understanding he would be working and providing for them, not just one day deciding he wants to be a lazy ass and sit around and go hunting, and trust me I am married to an avid hunter and they have to get up WAY earlier than 8am as in before the damn sun comes up!
So I don't know what to say, I would say tell him either he gets a job or else she and the girls are gone.
OK, I didn't read the comments because I didn't want them to taint my thoughts, so I apologize if I'm regurgitating the same thing that last 10 people said...
If I were her, I would get a job, and MU could be a stay at home dad and hang with the kids. This is going to cause a whole new mess of problems-- she's going to be bitter coming home every day after a hard day of work and seeing the house a mess, dinner not made, and the kids are crying. But I believe in controlling my own fate, and I would not let my husband's laziness (or lack of ambition or low self esteem or whatever you want to call it) keep me from taking care of me family.
I think communication is so important. They need to have a serious talk. Why is he not working? Would another job make him happy? What does he want to do with his life? How would he feel taking care of the house and the kids while the saint worked all day? Would he be able to sleep at night?
In times like this, I'm guessing that sattelite tv is one of frist expenses a family would cut out, so business was probably really slow. Maybe he's really stressed about how he's going to provide for his family and this is how he releases??? Hey, boys are dumb, I could see that happening!
I have absolutely NO respect for any man (or woman) who behaves the way MU is behaving! He must know that he's hurting his children. Doesn't he care?
And if the Saint lets him get away with behaving this way, I can't have much respect for her either. Look at the lesson she's teaching her daughters if she does - that it's okay for a man to just shirk his responsibilities. Even if she loves him with all of her heart, she needs to kick his ass to the curb if only for the sake of her girls.
And honestly, I don't understand how someone can love someone who has no respect for them. It's obvious that MU doesn't respect the Saint, or he'd be manning up and being responsible.
I'm sorry if this seems harsh. This is a subject that is near and dear to my heart. My ex refuses to take care of our daughters in any way, but has no trouble hiring an attorney to fight to keep him from being held responsible.
Oh my, this post is so sad. I feel grieved for The Saint and her girls and I don't even know them.
Why is MU this way? Is he depressed or just immature?
Obviously you are great friend support for The Saint, but what about family? Could a family member keep the twins while she works?
I think that The Saint will have to do some soul-searching and realize that there is no outcome to this situation that won't be painful. If MU is really this immature, his behavior could be harmful to the girls in the long run. It sounds like she is on her own already and just needs to make it official.
I have to be honest...the first thing that popped into my head in reading this story is the Bible verse that says, "a man who does not provide for his family is worse than an infidel [unbeliever]."
Wow Heather, you are VERY insightful. MU is a recovering addict. He has been clean for roughly 4-5 years and this is the same behavior he exhibited when he was using... so without a doubt that was my first speculation regarding this matter.
But, when I confronted the Saint, who is also in recovery and has been clean longer than he has, she said that no, that was not the case. Mr. AFRo went hunting with him last weekend and he doesn't think that MU is using either.
Personally, I think that for his entire life, his parents have made excuses and bailed him out of every.single. bind that he's ever been in. They enabled the drug use for years and they, especially his mother, are still suffering the consequences... if suffering is the word.
MU is an irresponsible person. So what if he's depressed? So what if he's down on his luck? Speaking from a personal standpoint... I have been depressed to the point of suicidal thoughts and I still got up and went to work everyday. He's a grown man... he needs to act like it.
I almost missed the boat. How are you hon?
I would have a very hard time if Radio did this. I would kick him out, but that's me. And really, if he just up and quit, he'd have a much bigger problem than me to deal with.
The Saint needs to lay it out for MU. Help provide for the family or he will see family per a child custody agreement. He is an adult with children of his own, time to suck it up and be a grownup. I don't care what his age, issues or problems are.
I need to add:
I have known people this irresponsible. They never change.
Maybe next time Mr. Afro takes him hunting he 'accidentally' shoots him in the ass?
Greedy Grace is right about controlling your own fate, and that is the inherent risk you take when you quit working...your fate rests in someone else's hands, whether they are an irresponsible a-hole or not.
Sounds like there are lots of issues that need to be resolved for these two, which won't happen without someone helping them. If he won't go to counseling (and probably won't, given the kind of guy he seems to be), she should go on her own and work out her own issues: Does she really love him or does she think she doesn't DESERVE better than someone who shares a similar past to hers? Does she really want this man to be the one to teach her two daughters that HE is what they should expect from a spouse? What is her true motivation for wanting to make it work?
Advise her to get a job - which may not be easy! - and try to get benefits that may cover the cost of a psychiatrist or psychologist. Sounds like she's going to need help on this one.
I haven't read everyone else's opinions but I'm in the same boat as the Saint. Not anywhere near her extent, but I can appreciate her situation (which is why I've been MIA lately! Missed you!)
Here's what I'm about to do. I am posting my resume nationally. I'm going to take a job that pays me the most money in a desirable location. I'm taking the kids. If E wants to follow he's more than welcome but regardless, wherever we go we will have separate residences. I will not be paying his way any longer.
Saint can expect him to get desperate when he realizes she's leaving him. He'll kiss her ass and be all sweet. E is now at the point where he's using the kids to get me to stay because he knows that's the only thing that's going to work. But I'm going to stay strong and know that I'm doing what's best for me.
Good luck to The Saint!
I like the comments on your blog Afro. I mean, not just the witty comments by that guy with the fantastic hair, but the well-thought-out comments from the people who are actually trying to help. I guess, if I were in this situation, my first instinct would be to send the other person packing. I've got no tolerance for other people's bs. But, there are a lot of compassionate answers here. From people who seem genuinely to want to help. It's an interesting dynamic, fun to observe.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I heard that their MIGHT be pictures of naked women on the internet and I'm going to investigate that claim.
Miss you Afro...hope you are doing well..
Hey Afro...just checking in. I hope y'all had a good holiday. Miss you lots!
Missing you!!! I hope everything is ok!
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